2017: Jayden and the Onion

Though it was not one of Paul Newman’s top-grossing movies The Life and Times of Judge Roy Bean has always been one of my favorites. It may be that I was biased having been totally enamored of Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid that had come out a few year earlier, but I’d like to think that the writing in Judge Roy Bean had merit on its own. If nothing else the villains were engaging – from Mel Tillis’ stuttering murderer to Snake River Rufus they were all colorful and interesting.

My favorite was Bad Bob, an over-the top albino gunman that was meaner than mean and not afraid to show it.  It wasn’t enough that he was violent – he’d stress his villainy in small ways like drinking scalding coffee right out of the pot. The gesture that won me over though was when he started to eat an onion like an apple – which had me grimacing and squirming in the seat.

It was so off-the-wall that I shameless stole the trick – and it eventually became part of our family folklore. If the boys were getting overly rowdy I’d thump the table to get their attention, and then take a bite out of the middle of an onion in my best Bad Bob style.  It helps that I like onions, a taste not shared by most members of my family. I especially like it when Lori is browning them in butter in preparation for making potato soup – for some reason the aroma is very soothing to me.

…which brings us to my grandson Jayden.

Anyone who has spent any time with a three year old knows that it isn’t when they are making noise that they are up to something– it’s when they get quiet. It’s just like an old ‘50s western:  “I don’t like it Cookie– the Indian drums have stopped and it’s too quiet out there”.

That’s exactly what happened yesterday afternoon when Jayden got home from daycare. It became deathly quiet in the house so I put up my tablet and began searching, expecting to see him with one of my electronic devices completely disassembled or in the process of creating a mural with my markers. Instead I found him under the table in the dining room.

I use the term “found” loosely because he is Special Forces good at using indoor terrain that I couldn’t actually spot him. All I could do was zero in on that disembodied toddler voice


“What Papa?”

“What are you doing?”


What are you doing?”

“I eat un-un like appo Papa”

It took me a second to translate from Jaydenese to English but when I finally peered around a chair my suspicions were confirmed. He had a fair-sized onion and was munching on it “like an apple” in truest Bad Bob style.

I don’t know if I have ever felt closer to that boy than at that moment

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